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Man - Sample01: Stealth-modeWelcome to my world... Please tread lightly, and forgive the mess A Horrible Joke (Reader Discretion Advised)Once upon a time there was this small group of people lost in the desert.
They were all starving to death. The oldest one in the group, carefully weighing the consequences and acting in the best interest of the others, took action.
They were all at the brink of death for want of food, so he built a fire, and cut off both his feet and roasted them over the fire and fed them.
A short time after they had eaten his sacrifice, they were rescued.
The old man slipped into a coma for a few weeks, and when he awakened, for a moment, he had forgotten he had no feet.
His first thought was of his companions. They were all alright.
They never went to visit him in the hospital. For a few days he wondered why, then he found out.
All that time in the desert, they had had a secret stash of chocolate, nuts, candy and water that they shared with each other, but not with him.
All their suffering in the desert was mere play-acting. He didn't need to sacrifice his feet. The only one that was really starving and dying, was him.
He stared down at where his feet used to be, and all he could do was cry, because no matter what, his sacrifice for them was all in vain. They were never really suffering. They would have all survived for days without his sacrifice, but they made out as if they wouldn't live another day.
He couldn't believe that no one said a single word to stop him. Not one word, not even after he cut off his first foot.
It took time to build a fire and make the tourniquets and put them on; time to break both ankles with a good-sized rock; time to recover from the pain, and time to sharpen the little pocket-knife on the rock. No one said 'Hey, we have a little water and a little something to munch on. We'll live. Don't'.
They just watched with a grateful but hungry look in their eyes.
He started to shake and tremble; he couldn't believe that he cared enough to so willingly accept all the consequences of death, or a life with no feet, in exchange for saving a few lives from the horrible pain and suffering of death from starvation, when there really was no pain and suffering. He was a joke, who cut off his own feet.
He slipped into a catatonic state. He was 50 years old at the time. The only thing in his head was the vision of them around the fire, laughing and greedily wolfing down on his roasted feet, over and over and over again, until the day he died, 35 years later.
The end. Window PainA smile almost crossed my face today,
but a nasty thought drove it away
It's too late to learn to be untrue,
too late to get out of this deep dark blue
Today, a smile almost passed my lips,
like a loose kitchen faucet that drips,
but it was quickly wiped away,
tightened by fear of what someone might say
Only I know my sins are not true,
and no one left to prove it to
A smile started to slowly form,
to be replaced by a feeling so forlorn
I am still real, covered over by someone else's lie,
a lie that burns me when I'm in anyone's eye,
so that now all that I shall ever share or feel or know,
is what I hide and see from behind my dirty window.
When I Go.When I go,
it will be quiet;
no one will know,
and no emotional riot;
the sun will rise,
and the days will pass;
there'll be no surprise,
no mourning, or weeping lass;
there'll be nothing to miss,
just a newly empty space;
a life robbed of all future bliss,
will have happily left this lonely place.
For me... Linkin Park - "New Divide"<a href="http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/linkin_park/new_divide.html" target="_blank" title="New Divide lyrics by Linkin Park">Linkin Park - New Divide lyrics | LyricsMode.com</a>
I Love You, Between The LettersIf I dare say I love you,
it's because I want you to know I care,
and I hope you know it means I'll always be there
But if I say I'm in love with you,
it's because I do realize I need you,
and I hope you know it means I'll always be true,
but also to please don't hurt me, too;
and, loudest of all it pleads to you,
should you say I love you, to mean it,
because I do.
Two Equals OneFirst,
soft rays of sunlight did gently explore,
spreading out amongst the tree tops,
then dappling the forest floor.
First,
hard beams of sunlight hit heavily,
splashing, slashing at the soft canopy,
scintillating, ricocheting, then dropping,
tearing and rending the forests' underbelly.
In all things, there is a duality,
and the trick is to reconcile them, perceptually.
Jesus came backJesus came back down,
an ordinary clown, in a modern town
He spoke true and did good , we knew,
by me and you, but we knew him,
so what did we do?
Jesus came back down,
to a techno town, without his magic,
cause only we can save us, that's tragic,
and while he was speaking, we're thinking
Who's saving who, when no one's listening?
Some liked what he said,
some shook their head, man he's dread
Without his magic, he's just like me and you,
and we knew him, he's no stranger,
so what did we do?
Jesus came back down
but we don't like to frown, in our town
"No one like us can truly know us", we said,
and we stoned him, and once again he bled,
and what did he do?
"It's o.k.", he said, "You're just being you".
It's funny cause it's true,
I knew him, didn't you?
For your aural pleasure...have a great weekend...
My life has changed so much.It looks nice outside. I would like to go walk around a bit in the sun. I miss going shopping - not for anything in particular, but just to look around at all the nice things. I used to do that a lot. I spent a lot of time alone, but I was never lonely. I used to spend hours by myself just aimlessly wandering the streets and plazas and malls, smiling and chatting with the people, and every now and then, I would buy something I didn't need, or something I knew someone else might like, or something that looked cool. I remember a time when my door was never locked and all kinds of strangers would be coming and going. Men, women, children, by the strangest coincidences, would find themselves in my home. People walking by would just walk right in to my apartment, where I would be amazed that such perfectly complete creatures would seek my company. I used to fantazise that the Universe was sending all these different types of people into my home, and I never questioned it. Everyone was welcome here, and when they left, none was ever empty-handed, because my home was always filled with 'gifts' that I gave to strangers. I really liked doing that. I miss it.
It's been years since I've been to any place besides work and grocery shopping. I go out only at night when the streets are deserted. There's something eating away at me, and it's forced me to change the way I live. My door is always locked now. Sometimes even the screen door is locked. The week before christmas 2008, there was a knock on my door. I answered it and there was a man standing there. He asked me "Is this your little girl?". It took me a moment, but then I looked down and saw a little girl who had been sitting and crying in the hallway by my door. She looked to be about 3 or 4 years old, with dark eyes and dark curly hair. I told the guy no, and then just closed my door, which is not natural behaviour for me. Once upon a time, I would have picked up that little girl and went looking for her idiot parents and raised some hell. Not any more. I can't risk it.
This year, I've only been to the corner store and the pet store.
I saw a nice woman the other day. She had those dark eyes and dark hair that gets my attention, and she was very pretty ( I guess I must seem simple compared to all of you, because you all prefer 'hot' and 'sexy' and 'sexual', while to me, 'pretty' means more than all of that).
She smiled, and I was about to smile back when those nasty things planted in my head made me turn away. In my mind, she liked me, and we became friends, and all the while I'll have to keep something hidden, which means that no matter what I ever did or said, it will all be based on deception, and eventually, she would ask how come I have no friends, and I'll have to tell her. Then, whatever she would have thought of me would change, and I'll be so ashamed and so humilliated again.
I paid for my things and rushed home before the sadness took over. I have very little control over my eyes these days. I feel so very very old, and very tired. I don't like seeing all the things I can no longer be a part of.
I watched the lights in the eyes of everyone I knew go out at the sight of me. On the surface, everything seems alright, but they all have something new in their minds now: a shadow of a doubt about me, and I can see it. In myself, all I see is a hideous, old useless thing. Everything I've ever done is all tainted.
I appreciate you humans here online. I do. You people are the only relationship I have outside of work. You're all that's left. If I could, I would give something to each one of you, and not just because it's who I used to be, but because you have helped me to hold on to the little bit of me that's left. When you read or look at the drawings, you see something that's not monstrous or perverted. You may see or read something interesting or funny or thoughtful, or maybe even nice. All the things that no one sees in me any more, not even me.
When I was a boy of 9, the old-world holy men made me learn this, and now I will pass it on to all of you, as a thank you for the great service you have done me:
How the Lord views Friendship:
"It is a flagrant sin even to look on those who are not distressed at the sight of a sorrowing friend; one should regard one's own troubles, though they be mountain-like, as of no more account than a mere particle of dust, but a friend's troubles, though really no bigger than a particle of dust, should be regarded as a mountain.
Those fools who are not naturally endowed with such wisdom presume in vain to make friends with anybody. A friend should divert his companion from the path of evil and set his foot on the path of righteousness; he should proclaim his virtues and conceal his faults; he should give and take things without any distrust and serve his friend's interest with all his power and, in time of misfortune, love him a hundred times more than ever.
But if a man contrives to speak fair words to one's face and harms one behind one's back, a man who harbours crookedness in his soul and whose mind is as tortuous as the movements of a snake, then, it is worthwhile to forsake such a fair weather friend.
A stupid servant, a niggardly monarch, an adulterous wife and a false friend - these four are painful like a pike."
The Devil Had A SonHe was bred to have a different life;
no lover, no friend, no children, no wife
A thing filled with no fear of being harmed;
no smile, no confidence, no dreams, no charm
To become a dispassionate little boy,
in the body of an old man with no joy,
to watch and to roam this earthly place;
a tormented witness to our fall from grace Stranded In A False ParadiseIt never mattered who.
Once upon a time I saw mostly good in you.
All of you.
Never having been anything good, I wanted to be like you.
Any of you.
You can't see what you are and could be,
looking around from within human society.
A child never knows it's a child, does he?
But you know, because you're not, and can see -
a future person with good potential and possibility.
Only a Human can say a Human is a good thing today,
for mine eyes have lost the glory of the presence of the Lord. When You're Bad.When you do something wrong, you unleash evil into the world. The evil is proportional to the wrong that's done, and when the evil has run it's course, it returns to the one who unleashed it in the first instance. It's like a dog that's been trained to kill, ordered to attack a small animal, and the dog is gone for so long that it forgets everything else except it's home and it's evil purpose, and after it has done it's attacking, it returns to it's home and a master it does not recognize or remember, inevitably with dire consequences. Life SizeWe wondered if we were too small
for all this majesty.
We looked at it all;
the grandeur, such horror, and beauty,
and wondered, were we?
And as we looked, we did become all,
as the many parts of One.
The Wrong Good ThingNo one smiles at him anymore.
No one goes there anymore.
No one calls him anymore.
No one trusts him anymore.
No one talks to him anymore.
No one believes him anymore.
No one says his name anymore.
No one will ever think good of him anymore.
There will always always be that one thing;
that thing that men do that's the wrongest wrong
He hasn't talked with anyone in so long.
No one's looked at him the same since oh six,
and he can feel that nothing alive is as alone like this.
He's been living like that since then;
he has become the same as nothing.
It never bothered him, and it never painfully hurt,
because, to him, that is what love and friendship is worth
It was all for nothing, and it hurts so much now.
He's lost everyone in his life, and he alone knows why and how.
All the rest of his days are silent and empty,
and he can't stop his eyes from leaking daily.
I don't know why he can't die yet. He would like to.
He has no reason for waking up except for the birds.
Every day is exactly the same. Everyday.
He's never felt as cold as he feels, since the last few years.
It's hard faking that nothing's wrong. He's always tired.
No more sharing.
No more smiling freely.
No more whistling joyfully.
No more walking around, shopping in town.
No more Christmas, New Years without tears.
No more peace of mind.
No more hugs, for all of time.
No more anything, from anyone.
Just over and over: My God! What have I done!
IllusionsThe lights of Heaven are low,
for what need of brightness,
when everything has a heavenly glow?
The lights of Hell shine bright white,
attracting lost weightless souls,
like moths hypnotized by a killing light.
A Fairytale Romance/Immortal Love Story My name is Formalhaut, and my love is Helle. I am the ugliest fish that ever swam the ocean depths, and She is the most beautiful bird. Before that, I was the lover, servant, and Captain of my Lady's personal guard. She was my Queen, and I Her King.
She was Love herself; the most beautiful of all the Godessess that ever lived. We adored and respected each other. We were like the sunlight; I was the heat and She was the radiance, both different and both a part of the same. Whenever any creature in any Universe felt Love, the feeling lasted forever, because we were together. We were inseperable, and in the times when we were apart, however briefly, nature itself would be seen to mourn as the birds would cease to sing, and the trees would seem to droop their branches. Clouds would conceal the sky, and the air would grow cold when She was not near. I was never handsome, even for an immortal, and it upset some of the more beautiful Goddesses that they could not gain any of my affection or attention. They began to despise my Lady. They banded together and cast a spell upon our wine, and when we drank it, we both changed. They wanted us apart and alone, so that Love would be fleeting, and they would be free to unleash their baser desires. So deep and wide did their jealousy of our love run, that it spawned a most wretched curse: we would both be different creatures, as opposite as only Gods can make. She would live in the air for all of Her immortal life, until I die, and I shall live on the bottom of the sea untill She died. I changed into a giant, nightmarish catfish, and then found myself at the bottom of the deepest of oceans, where light never goes. But not before I saw my Lady change into a giant albatross, with alabaster feathers and ruby eyes. We did not remember who we were for eons from the moment when we drank our wine together, and had lived all that time as if we had always been a fish and a bird, with no memory or idea of being anything else. There was a wandering black hole making it's way through our universe. The magnetic and gravitational forces of the lonley traveller caused subtle tremors in the magnetic and gravitational forces in our galaxy. On our planet, the effects were translated into tectonic shifts, spawning massive tidal waves, one of which swept me from the ocean depths and into daylight, where I swam in the shallows, where it was so bright that I could see through the skin that had grown over eyes that were useless in the deep. I saw something blown over the surface of the water. It was a creature I had never seen before, and then the creature looked at me, and our eyes met, and we remembered who we were. She screamed my name at the very instant I screamed hers. She was in pain, because I was in the shallows, and the weight of my fish body was crushing itself. I needed to make my way back to the bottom of the ocean, because my Lady would suffer if anything happens to me. We both knew that we were trapped forever as a fish and a bird, until one of us dies. But our love is strong. We know, that cursed as we are, we would never do anything to cause any kind of hurt to the other, and since love is not a devotee of pain, we could not sacrifice ourselves to save each other if it meant that the other would feel pain. Our love is such that, now that we know each other again, we know that we are not ever alone, for we reside in each other's hearts, and we can see each other now, if only for a moment. Now, when the wind is right, my Lady calls to me. She glides close to the ocean surface and skims the water with her wings, and with a cry that penetrates the miles of ocean that I must stay beneath, She calls. I can only stay close to the surface for a brief time before my pain is felt by Her, and she can't afford to fall into the water or stay close to the surface for too long, for there are always predators swimming about, and a soft catfish is no match for a shark. I swim to the surface and my dorsal fin breaks through the water and She flies close, and rubs my fin with the sides of her face and beak. In that brief time when we touch, every creature in all the many Universes feels Love for every other creature, everywhere. In that brief moment when we touch, we are happy, and when we are forced to part, we are never sad, for we are filled with anticipation for the next time. My name is Formalhaut, and my love is Helle. I am the ugliest fish that ever swam the ocean depths, and She is the most beautiful bird. Hope - Why Some Humans Kill Themselves Hopelessness. Humans can survive the most apalling conditions, the most physically debilitating illnessess, and even mental breakdowns, but only if there is some chance of a life which is better than what they are currently experiencing. There must be the chance of a light at the end of the tunnel if a human is to emerge from depression and angst and mental confusion. There must be hope, because without hope, what else is there?
Everything in modern life is determined well before we become adults and enter the world: We are groomed to take our place in society by parents who hope we do better for ourselves. Teachers teach us with the hope that we will learn and succeed in life. We ourselves have many hopes and dreams which we work towards. Sometimes, we may get our hopes dashed, but there is always a new hope of something else that takes the place of what we hoped to have, or to do, or aspire to. As long as there is a hope, there is a chance, and as long as there is a chance, a Human Being can, and will, survive.
But, when there is no hope, what is there to live for?
There was an experiment conducted on rats at Johns Hopkins University a few decades ago (1960's) by a Dr. Curt Richter. Dr. Richter placed rats in a maze with traps and with no possible way to escape. When the rats were introduced to this 'hopeless' situation, even the most vigorous and healthy of the rats soon succumbed to death. No matter how many times it was done, the rats still died.
For the next stage in the experiment, Dr. Richter then removed the 'hopelessness' factor from the experiment. He made the mazes and traps in such a way that there seemed to be some chance of escape.
Said Dr. Richter - "After the elimination of the 'hopelessness' feature, the rats do not die... the speed of their recovery is remarkable. A rat that would have died in another minute or two, becomes normally active and aggressive." The results suggested that when the rats lost 'hope' and gave up, they died. When they could still 'hope' to escape, they lived.
In humans, hope and hopefulness may not be the cure-all for the everyday cynicism and emotional stresses of life, but it gives us the ability to 'escape' into tomorrow, for it is our hope of a tomorrow that is better than our today that enables us to hold on and face life, for yet another day. Without hope, there is no new tomorrow, and the result is always tragedy.
Take care of each other and your loved ones, because their hope might lay in you, just as yours may, one day, rest on them. Be vigilant and supportive, and above all, be hopeful...
Minus OneThere were a hundred million smiles today
in this town,
and there'll be a hundred million more
after sundown
There used to be a hundred million,
plus one,
now just one shy of being as brilliant
as the sun
A sea of burning candles blinded by it's
own brightness;
one less smiling face is a small price,
for happiness The Last AlienI met a man whose soul was so cold,
he trembled like a leaf on a tree so old
I searched myself for what I could have done,
but I am a poor magician whose tricks number none
What weight could cause such a back to bow?
Why does he shake like a heart warmed by snow?
Alas, for all I know I cannot say,
for in my self-absorbed reflections, he faded away,
and off in the wilderness, the birds and beasts were crying;
amidst the human tangle, the last earthbound angel stood dying.
For you...The lyrics are here... http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/0-9/10000_maniacs/these_are_days.html Love Molester / Thief In The NightSo much worse than a thief in the night.
Not a random victim, I was in your sight,
and Love stole more than money;
Love stole my past, present and future, honey
Everything Love did, from that moment on,
someday Love'll have to explain it to someone.
What will Love say on that revealing day?
He deserved it, and was never a friend anyway?
But no, that's not how it'll go, I know;
Love'll smile and shrug and laugh, then go...
It's cold. I'm cold. So very cold.
Outside looks so beautiful and warm,
but all those eyes out there mean me harm,
because of Love, and it's been such a long long while,
everyone's a villian with a big big smile
I never thought that anyone could pretend
for so many years to be a trusted friend,
and all the while be planning the complete ruin
of a Loveless man who thought it was good he was doing
So much worse than a thief in the night.
My Disease...My disease makes me different... It's not really a disease, but I call it that to make it not so painful, and easier for me to deal with. It's called an Emotional Deficit Disorder, which is better known to psychiatrists and psychologists as Frustration Syndrome, which is the result of years of physical and emotional abuse, physical and emotional neglect and isolation in the formative years, that is, the years between 3 and 12 in childhood. In my case, it spans the years from 5 to 15, of which I can only recall events beginning at age 9, with only 3 or 4 memories of things from before that time.
Now, people define abuse in different ways, so without getting into great detail, I'll let you know that as a result of my personal experiences, my left shoulder, elbow, wrist, hip, knee, and ankle hurt all of the time, and I'm 39, and it's been like that since before I can remember, and it's going to be like that for as long as I am here. As for the measure of the emotional neglect, you must consider that I never heard the phrase 'Happy birthday to you' said to me until I was 22 years old, and I never knew what a hug felt like till 18. As for the emotional abuse, let's just say that I am the cockroack to your Human.
What all of this means, put simply, is that emotionally, I am a child. You've heard of low self-esteem? I have none. I do not have the ability to deal with the emotional stress involved with day to day life and dealing with humans. I do not have the ability to be deceptive. It means that I am constantly looking for approval and will do anything for anyone if it means being liked or avoiding conflict. I am unable to complain or ask for help. I react to things like a child would. Put it all together, it means that I am easy to exploit.
I am on the extreme end of the scale, and it hurts a whole lot when I get exploited. Unlike a normal human, with a family and many friends around, it hurts for years and years and years. I learned that early in life, so I've always been extremely careful with the people I let into my life. I never make friends easy. Most humans will shake hands or hug and kiss a total stranger the very first time they meet, but I can't until I've known them for months, and when I do, it's like bringing them into my own family.
I haven't spoken to anyone for more than a minute in 3.5 years, and I believe that I have lost the ability to talk with anyone. If I do, lately, all I feel is the old fear of being abused and exploited in some way, and I don't see the good people I used to see.
The most fucked up thing about my condition is that, it is natural for me to think that it is natural to be alone. I know that it's not, but the last few humans I thought liked me have really driven the point home, and because of my condition, and how late it is now, in life, I have no choice. I can still hear them laughing and mocking at how much I love them as if it was yesterday. Have you ever seen a child crying for it's mother, and nothing else will do? I feel that way all the time, and it takes all of my energies to function. All the things I did in the past that enabled me to live among you humans are not working anymore. Human contact and positive affirmation are the only things left, but since that last time last year, I am too afraid of humans, and the horrible things they will do to me, and I am so afraid that that feeling will never go away this time, so I avoid all humans except for work.
I like all of you, and the little things about you that you take for granted, but none of you will ever know who I am, and that makes me comfortable with sharing this part of my life. If by chance you do know me, I'm betting you haven't seen me in years, and you now know why my behaviour seemed strange back then, and you know now that we'll never cross paths again, except here. Here, just like in the physical reality, we'll stumble across each other, and I am free to care about all of you without being in a position to be exploited, and it doesn't matter if you care or not, because it has no effect on my reality: I will always be the cockroach to your Human.
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I just added this 'guestbook' cause it was requested, so... please be kind, if you don't mind Thanks for visiting!
Spyderwrote:
I am SOOOOO looking forward to the new Star Trek Movie! I enjoy them - and I do hope it is good! It's been a long time in the making! I have been waiting FOREVER!
Nov. 27
Kevinwrote:
I know I will be spending more time here in the future.
You have a wonderful talent.
Sept. 1
Meggiewrote:
wow... what a poet you are... love it!!
Aug. 16
ςταсее ςηυmmwrote:
who aree youuu?
July 21
Spyderwrote:
Thank you!
The fish seem to be doing well but we will see how long they live. Fishicide is a terrible thing. 
June 28
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